ROSE TOWNSHIP — A local yellow jacket was drunk as fuck Tuesday afternoon after spending most of the morning consuming fermented apple juice at Diehl’s Orchard and Cider Mill, insisting he was “completely fucking fine” despite having flown directly into the same picnic table three times.
“What? What are you looking at?!” the visibly intoxicated insect demanded of a family attempting to eat cider donuts. “You wanna fight? I’ll sting you! I’ll fucking sting you right now!”
The wasp, who declined to provide his name, claimed he had been coming to the orchard for years and knew several people who worked there. He then attempted to land on a nearby apple, missed entirely, and spent approximately 40 seconds walking in a circle.
“That’s my apple. Don’t fucking touch that,” he told a five-year-old who had not approached the fruit. “You think I’m scared of you? I’ll sting your dad, too. I don’t give a shit. I can do it more than once.”
When asked whether he had consumed too much fermented juice, the yellow jacket became increasingly agitated, insisting that he was perfectly capable of flying home and had only stopped because “some asshole put a table there.”
Witnesses last observed the wasp staggering across a picnic bench, threatening a napkin, and repeatedly shouting “YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW ME” at a nearby honeybee.
At press time, the yellow jacket had fallen into an unattended cup of cider and was refusing assistance.